Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
