matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You can't special order awesome
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
