when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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