nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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