All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
We got so high we made milksteak
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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