mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
