I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
