I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
