I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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