the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
