I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
