I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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