just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
