I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
