my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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