my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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