I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
