Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Mom said you looked used
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
