I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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