He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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