Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
