haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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