Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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