i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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