I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
