I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
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the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't deserve a penis
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize