I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
