There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
