Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
