I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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