his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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