was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.