I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
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So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo