My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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