dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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