Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We just shotgunned beers for America
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
