Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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