Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
