I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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