I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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