I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
