I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
