just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
not ubering you a puppy
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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