There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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