dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
