How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
