Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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