giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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