Someone shit on the floor
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize