I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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