My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
