Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
