I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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