if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
