ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
