Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
