I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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