I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
